God, why doesn’t Don
want to study this marriage book with me, or lead daily prayer?
Doesn’t he want to
have a godly marriage?
In any marriage, one person can be more mature in their
faith than their spouse. Or, maybe one of the two just thinks they’re more mature. Either way, the more mature person
doesn’t have the right to demand that the other one measure up to any standards
except God’s.
This is the fifth in a six-part series (posting every
Wednesday) about the “worse” times Don and I have experienced and how God led
us through. Click here for series introduction.
This week’s topic: Super-Spiritual
Testimony
As a single person, I prepared for marriage by reading books
about it, and observing married couples. I invested daily in my relationship
with the Lord, and felt strong in Him when we married. Since Don only knew the
Lord for eight months compared to my eight years, I felt very qualified to help
him become the spiritual leader God intended.
My husband needed guidance, and who better to provide
it than his spiritually mature wife and helpmate?
I quickly discovered two things.
One, I wasn’t as mature as I thought. Instead of hearing and
following God, I put my time and energy into following a “make marriage work”
formula I compiled from the books I read. If we could just follow it, we’d have
a great marriage. I also focused on Don’s relationship with God, and on a “checklist
for a good marriage”, at the expense of my own relationship with God. I quickly
became frustrated and worn out.
Two, the more I suggested
ways for Don to grow and our marriage to thrive, the more frustrated and
confused he became. My words became static on the God channel he tried to
listen to, but could never quite hear clearly over my loud and persistent
directions.
We were a mess!
Over the next several years, God began to change my heart
and build my faith as I prayed for help and sought counsel from others.
Some
said, “You’re right, Don needs to change. How can you follow his lead if he does or
doesn’t _________? He needs to listen to you!”
Others said, “It’s not your job
to change Don, it’s God’s job. He’ll do it much better than you ever could.
Your job is to focus on your relationship with God above all else. Love Don, respect
him, and be the best wife you can be.”
When I looked at the marriages of my advisors, and how they
treated each other and their children, the right counsel was crystal clear.
As I repented for trying to be God in Don’s life, and chose
to do things God’s way instead of mine, I experienced true spiritual growth. The
more I grew, the more I appreciated the husband God gave me. Instead of trying
to teach Don, I began to learn from him about God’s love, generosity, and
grace.
And much to my delight, Don began to change in ways I never
could have imagined.
Wives, in the same way submit
yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the
word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when
they see the purity and reverence of your lives. (1 Peter 3:1-2, NIV)
Take-Away Lessons
1. Look for the fruit of your words and actions
toward your spouse. Are you sowing love and peace, or frustration and
confusion?
2. When seeking counsel, first observe the lives
and marriages of those around you. Seek out those who bear godly fruit, and enjoy
healthy marriages and families.
3. Pray, daily if needed, to give your spouse to
God. Declare by faith that it’s God’s job to change them, and trust that He
will.
4. Never neglect daily time with God to keep your
relationship with Him healthy and thriving. When you don’t, everyone around you
pays the price.
5. You can’t control or change anyone else. Change
what you can about yourself, obey what God tells you, and leave everything else
in His hands.
6. Be thankful for your spouse, and that he/she is exactly how God created him/her.
7. Books and godly counsel are wonderful as supplements, but nothing read or said should ever become a formula for your marriage. Seek God first, about everything.
Our marriage is still becoming, still growing, still
changing. It will be until one or both of us goes home to Jesus. I learned –
and I’m still learning – that the more you lay down your life and your rights,
the more Jesus can shine through you and enable you to love with His love.
It’s
not about me, or about how super-spiritual I am.
Life, and marriage, is about me becoming less so God can become more, and Don can be all God called him to be.
And it's about being thankful.
Thank you, Jesus, that
you’re God and I’m not…and never will be!
Next up: Expectations
TODAY’S CHALLENGE: Are you worn out from trying to change
your spouse? Repent for trying to do God's job in your spouses life, and thank Him for the wonderful gift He gave to you.
Also, if you know someone else who may be blessed by this
series, please share the link with them.
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