I Have No Words

Do you ever wake up dumbfounded and amazed at how much God has changed you?

I am in that place today, in shock and awe at my inner peace and calm despite a rough week. I thrived through events of the past week that would have once destroyed me and sent me to the self-pity pit. The week was not without struggle, but I somehow emerged with triumphant victory.

I have no words to describe what I feel inside. I sit here at the keyboard, hands positioned to type, and no words in the brain to come out my fingers. I’m a writer, where are the words?

I search around the room as if words will suddenly appear on the walls. I ponder. I look up to God and ask – beg – for words that describe this amazing, awesome, overwhelming sense of…of…

Nothing.

So I wait…pray…ponder.

The next day…..

More amazed.

Yesterday didn’t go how I wanted it to go. Swirls of confusion dotted the day and pulled my focus from what I needed to do. I yielded to my circumstances instead of overcoming them.

As I woke up off and on all night, I bounced between crying out to God for help and giving way to regrets at how I didn’t stand firm. I desperately wanted to fix it, to change the past. Yeah, right. Impossible, of course. Yet I couldn’t let go.

This morning I added beating myself up over losing sleep to the mix. Why do I have regrets? Why can’t I rise above and turn off my thoughts? Why didn’t I, and why did I? Why can’t I always choose happy thoughts – noble, right, excellent, praiseworthy, etc. – and have them take over the confusion?

Enough!

I entered my prayer closet to re-center myself.

“God, it’s all yours.”

As I sat in the Lord’s presence – still wrestling – a resolve filled my soul: I can’t change the past, but I can go forward and make the future better. A solution came to mind. God calmed my heart and cleared my mind. Prayed, read the Bible, read my devotionals.

I realized through all the wrestling I kept turning to God for answers, for help, for guidance. I realized that for me, wrestling is part of the process. Because I wrestled with God at my side – with God on the inside – the wrestling was fruitful.

God enjoys spending time with me in the struggle, guiding me through one thought at a time. He is pleased with my desire to want to do the right thing, and to improve myself.

He does not judge or condemn my human-ness in the process. He changes me through the process.

So here I am back at the keyboard, amazed once again at my peace. Shocked that I got here so quickly. I have no words to describe how it happened. 

Wait, yes, I have one word: God.

God changed me, changes me, will always change me as I continue to go to Him. He fills me to overflowing with His presence. I am connected, whole, peaceful, secure, loved. Not because of anything I do, but because I am His child.

Where I once believed God was disappointed with me in situations like this, I now see He has enjoyed and loved me through them. He is prou…

Where I once believed I could never measure up enough to deserve His love, I now see He never expected me to measure up to anything. He wants me to come to Him with everything.

OK, He wants me to write that He is proud of me.

OK, so I wrote it.

And I cry because I realize it’s true…and because I am overwhelmed with gratitude and awe.

God is proud of me. Of me, skinned knees and elbows, chief wrestler and wanna-be fixer.

And you know what? God is proud of you too. 

Believe it. Embrace it. Say it out loud. It’s true.

I have no words at this moment to describe the awesomeness of our God. So I’ll leave you with this song by the Newsboys, “The Greatness of Our God.”

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. (James 4:8a, NKJV)