Tuesday I found out I have heart disease. It's something I should have known, given my high cholesterol for the last few years. But I've been ignoring it. Trying to eat better. Trying to lose weight. Trying to exercise.
And I did make progress this year. But too little too late, as they say.
Tuesday I could no longer ignore the seriousness of my numbers. My doctor had me take a test called a Coronary Artery Calcium Scan (CACS) where the normal score for a healthy heart is zero. Over 400 is high risk for a heart event.
My score: 301. Moderate heart disease. Easily treatable with medication and lifestyle changes, but could also have been easily avoided.
I cried. I felt guilty, knowing I did this to myself.
Why didn't I listen to the doctor over two years ago and make lifestyle changes?
Why didn't I make it a point to consistently exercise and eat better?
Why have I barely lost any weight over the past 5 years?
Why? Why? Why?
I just didn't.
I was in denial that I had a problem.
Thankfully I have a persistent doctor who would not let me ignore it. Now that I know, I am going to fix it. I'll take the medication, lose weight, continue to exercise, and eat better.
A still, small thought came to me: Why don't you ask Me to heal you?
Instantly humbled to tears, my heart broke. But God, how can I ask you to heal me when I did this to myself?
Just as instantly I knew that despite all that, God desires to heal and fix what I broke. And He wants me to ask. One of His favorite prayers is, "Daddy, I made such a mess, can you fix it?"
Shows dependence. Shows trust. It's the ultimate admission of our dependence on God when we bring Him our broken pieces and ask Him to put them back together.
Sometimes He does that - restores back to new as though never broken. But often He puts the pieces together in a totally different way.
Whatever He does, He always makes us beautiful.
As I ponder this change in my life, I cry for what I didn't do and what was lost. I doubt: I know God can, but will He? I feel so guilty to ask Him to heal me...but I really want Him to.
Then faith rises up. Yes, He will do something in response to my prayers. Maybe not what I want, but the Potter never takes His hands off me. He never trusts my molding to anyone else. His promise to never leave me or forsake me is true.
His purpose, not mine.
His grace, not my effort.
So Daddy, I'm asking: Please heal my heart - physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Please help me to change and do better with my health, every day.
In Jesus name, AMEN!
I'm still crying, and still lamenting...even as I pray. But it's getting better every day. Just like my choices got me here, different choices can bring healing.
Hey, that's a lesson for another day...