Oct 21, 2016

Daddy, I Broke It, Can You Fix It?

Tuesday I found out I have heart disease. It's something I should have known, given my high cholesterol for the last few years. But I've been ignoring it. Trying to eat better. Trying to lose weight. Trying to exercise.

And I did make progress this year. But too little too late, as they say.

Tuesday I could no longer ignore the seriousness of my numbers. My doctor had me take a test called a Coronary Artery Calcium Scan (CACS) where the normal score for a healthy heart is zero. Over 400 is high risk for a heart event.

My score: 301. Moderate heart disease. Easily treatable with medication and lifestyle changes, but could also have been easily avoided.

I cried. I felt guilty, knowing I did this to myself.

Why didn't I listen to the doctor over two years ago and make lifestyle changes?

Why didn't I make it a point to consistently exercise and eat better?

Why have I barely lost any weight over the past 5 years?

Why? Why? Why?

I just didn't.

I was in denial that I had a problem. 

Thankfully I have a persistent doctor who would not let me ignore it. Now that I know, I am going to fix it. I'll take the medication, lose weight, continue to exercise, and eat better.

A still, small thought came to me: Why don't you ask Me to heal you?

Instantly humbled to tears, my heart broke. But God, how can I ask you to heal me when I did this to myself?

Just as instantly I knew that despite all that, God desires to heal and fix what I broke. And He wants me to ask. One of His favorite prayers is, "Daddy, I made such a mess, can you fix it?"

Shows dependence. Shows trust. It's the ultimate admission of our dependence on God when we bring Him our broken pieces and ask Him to put them back together.

Sometimes He does that - restores back to new as though never broken. But often He puts the pieces together in a totally different way.

Whatever He does, He always makes us beautiful.

As I ponder this change in my life, I cry for what I didn't do and what was lost. I doubt: I know God can, but will He? I feel so guilty to ask Him to heal me...but I really want Him to.

Then faith rises up. Yes, He will do something in response to my prayers. Maybe not what I want, but the Potter never takes His hands off me. He never trusts my molding to anyone else. His promise to never leave me or forsake me is true.

His purpose, not mine.

His grace, not my effort.

So Daddy, I'm asking: Please heal my heart - physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Please help me to change and do better with my health, every day.

In Jesus name, AMEN!
I'm still crying, and still lamenting...even as I pray. But it's getting better every day. Just like my choices got me here, different choices can bring healing. 

Hey, that's a lesson for another day...


  1. We are such an instant people. Heal me typically translates to heal me now. And while God can heal on the spot, I find he seems to enjoy the process--so maybe so should I. Praying for your healing and your journey. So good to see you writing again. :)

    1. Thank you Tina, and yes we do want it now. But as they say I didn't get here overnight, and it's certainly not going to get fixed overnight. Thank you for your prayers, and encouragement. Feels good to be writing again.

  2. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this diagnosis. You are strong, Mary, and your faith is strong. God will bring you through, like He always does. And I agree with Tina -- great to see you writing again!

    1. Thank you David for your encouragement, I'm glad to be writing again too :-). God has already shown me so much in just a few days I can't wait to see what else He has in store on this journey.

  3. Prayers to you as God holds your hand and accompanies you with total love.on this journey. Blessings to.you, Cousin Janice

    1. Thank you Janice, and thank you for that awesome voice mail. I'll give you a call this week, can't wait to catch up. I appreciate your prayers, thank you so much!

  4. I too am glad you are writing again. i love your approach to your God...it makes me think and ask questions. You are an insightful writer. I am thankful for your healing!

    1. Thank you Myra I'm glad to be writing again, and glad you are blessed by my sharing.
      And, looks like some congratulations are in order for you?

  5. Oh Mary, what can I say? God has your attention and it is not hopeless. In fact many of my patients have told me a diagnosis was the best thing that ever happened to them because they turned their life around and now feel wonderful through healthier eating.

    I'm here for you and feel free to write me for personal assistance at any time. Search through my blog posts for practical applications to lose weight SAFELY! Please stay away from the fads!!! Pick up my (Life's Too Short to Eat Bad Cheese) book ($5.00 e-book) if you want or I can send you pieces via email free. Follow God's formula for healthier eating and you'll be feeling like a new woman. There's so much hope and you don't have to eat "sticks and twigs." Many Blessings for Health my friend, Ellie Marrandette www.newcreationsministries.wordpress.com

    1. Thank you Ellie, I have your book and I will certainly be looking through it. I've started tracking my calories on MyFitnessPal, and I think most of what we all need is an awareness of what we are really eating. It's a bit tedious to start out, but my eyes have been opened for sure... a few calories here and there certainly add up by the end of the day!!!
      I'm looking forward to seeing what the next few months bring, thank you again for your support and prayers!


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