Back up a bit...my quiet time that morning was awesome and I was praising God during my 2+ hour ride in the car. Felt His presence strongly and prayed to honor Him with my day.
Then the pole incident. What in the world???
We went on with the day, taking the incident in stride. Lots of driving, no further problems. I wondered why I wasn't more upset, still pondered how and why the accident happened.
This morning I went out to drive to work. Our parking lot had patches of ice covering it but I had watched people drive over it. I put my stuff in the back seat and paused.
What if I backed out and slid into another car? I felt a bit anxious, I almost started shaking. I froze.
I couldn't do it.
I brought my stuff back into my apartment and promptly had a meltdown. The emotions from the previous day's accident finally broke free.
I have zero confidence in my driving with any small bit of ice covering. I remember when I was rear-ended 15 years ago and felt panic for weeks as someone pulled up behind me at a red light. That one was not my fault, and still it unnerved me. This feels the same way, so I guess it will pass.
But I want to overcome now. But I guess I also lost some faith in God to help me. He could have had me miss the pole, but He didn't. He could have guided my eyes to the driveway right in front of me, but He didn't. It was a total driver error - I panicked - where was He?
Now I sit here in all my human-ness, afraid to trust myself or God. I can be really careful, but, what if. Experiencing lots of emotions, which I guess is normal.
I know all this will pass, God is with me thru it.
Did God try to help me and I missed His voice?
Was I too focused in the moment and in my own strength that I didn't ask?
Was it a spiritual battle where God protected us from something worse happening?
Will I ever get answers to these questions?
I've told others more times than I can count, "rise above", "overcome", "no need to fear". And yet here I sit, unable to even drive to work, trapped in my apartment by fear.
Fear of making another mistake.
Fear of hitting another car.
Fear of trusting my own driving.
Fear that in all this, I'm disappointing God by not overcoming.
And He doesn't mind if I want to sit on His lap for a while longer.
I'm learning so much through all this. About faith. About human-ness. About myself. I'm sure there will be more lessons learned to come...stay tuned!
Right now the sun is out, time to get to work.